This has been an interesting and very rough week. I have felt a level of grief that, now observing it, shows me on a completely new level what I am capable of feeling for my community, for loss and the physical impacts that can have. I wasn’t able to sleep for my buzzing anxious mind and realized I wasn’t fueling my body, meaning I was forgetting to eat. Those of you that know anything about me, fueling and running are my grounding forces. Lack of sleep and not fueling took additional tolls on the already rough situation. Running is thankfully engrained in me at this point and I continue to get out on daily basis even if for only a few miles. When the Governor’s press release was announced and as my morning unfolded, I took my phone and headphones on a tough workout so I could listen to the impending news that would impact our State and more personally, the beloved Chuckanut, in the place that I felt strongest; running hard on our local trails. After the announcement I texted my boyfriend and called my parents and then ran home to meet on the phone with Kevin and Tyler to make our decision and discuss our communication.
For two days my body and mind rattled with emotions and sensations familiar to times of fear and loss and my brain held the desire for the ability to move through, but remained stuck in it.
I finally took a minute last night and sat in an Epsom salt bath. Admittedly those salts have been reserved for tough workouts and deep muscle soreness. But even though I wasn’t sore, something clicked to get in the tub. Perhaps feeling beat up emotionally has a parallel to being beat up physically. Ironically, the bath bomb I used delivered a fortune cookie message that read, “the time to relax is when you don’t have the time for it.” With PD’s nose on the edge of the tub, I put my head back, listened to a podcast, closed my eyes and took some deep breaths. I meditated on an intentional mindset, this will help. And it did. After drying off and getting dressed I noticed a different sense of calm. Later, while filling up on potatoes and pizza I summarized “I feel like I’m emerging from an emotional hangover'“. And this morning after an amazing night’s sleep (the first all week) my resolve is fired up.
I offer this understanding that timing is everything. I’ve been through two days of tears and a week of no sleep, so perhaps my body just finally shut down. But I’ve got to believe that taking those minutes to take care of myself is why I’m able to move into a new headspace around the situation. And I know this will continue to change, so the importance of giving ourselves the time to feel the feels, pause from taking care of to-dos and others, and take the breathing moments for ourselves to reset is a powerful message to carry through this pandemic and life.
There are countless examples of people affected by the Coronavirus. On the grand scale postponing the Chuckanut 50k is, while personal to me and the surrounding community, a small one. And it is a gift. As we work through our situation we have understanding and empathy for other events, communities and entities that are having their experience and working through their feelings.
The Chuckanut 50k was my first ultra in 2000. I have been race directing since 2003. It is one of the most consistent things in my life. It involves people I love and perfect strangers. It something I pour my heart into for a portion of each year and for the last four years I get to work with two incredible men, Kevin and Tyler, to make it happen. This race represents so much more than running 50k. To the community the Chuckanut 50k provides an opportunity for individuals to set a goal, train and tackle something they maybe didn’t think possible. But that is just one part. The Chuckanut 50k also brings together a larger group of people to cheer on those runners and a community to support them and celebrate the work to get to that point and whatever happens that day. I am learning a lot working through this situation and I look forward to creating that space again in some way for many of these reasons.